Higgins during Nemo
HAPPY STRAYA DAY
(via saltwater-isthecure)
A.I.(SURF.BECAUSE)FOREVER
Maine??? This looks like Maine
Live #15
Jacky Terrasson - Smile
Stand Tall
Stand Tall
Don’t look back
Stand Tall
Until they no
Stand Tall
When little hope remains
Stand Tall
When walls close around you
Stand Tall
For no one but you
Stand Tall
Let your confidence exude
Stand Tall
Achieve your dreams
Stand Tall
When no one else believes
Stand Tall
Push through the barriers
Stand Tall
Close your eyes and yell
Stand Tall
Don’t Look Back
Man
What does it mean to be a man? I googled it and was able to construe that the consensus was that it is when a male begins to take responsibility for his own actions. I disagree with this to some degree. To me becoming a man is about confidence When arrogance overcomes this confidence it shows a lack of character and “manhood”. When you look yourself in the mirror and know who you are. When you feels a strong sense of pride and worth. When you know your limits (to some degree) and bridge that gap between childish ignorance and adult maturity. Now comes the part where I bitch about myself…
I have been set back on my journey. All my life (a great part of it anyways) I’ve wanted to fly. I’ve known my limits (as best I could) and set forth on a path of confidence that exuded from every orifice of my being. A self assurance in who I was as a person. In my relationships whether romantic, with others close to me, or even with strangers met in passing I was able to convey the sense that my steps were sure and my mind was sound. I believed in myself. I believed in who I was as man.
These beliefs have taken a massive dashing on the rocks. The storms of life are shaking me to a point where I really don’t know where to turn. I have concluded that a path of flight is not one that I can venture down. My mental instability has posed limits not realized before. If you deal with anxiety you pose a threat to all those within range. You are a liability. Now when I look into the mirror the person gazing back seems more fragile and less manlike than ever I’ve seen before. The perspective of traveling has cursed me with knowing my limits. These are being redefined and they seem so much smaller in comparison to before. I am battered and tired. I am sick and weak. Where is the man that stood before? The child is clinging to what little there is left.
B
WTF?
If you claim I haven’t changed then why do you treat me different?
Maybe it’s just me who claims I haven’t changed. I’m just me. All my scars and imperfections now move one step closer to a more visible light. My private life is being put on display. I really hate this transition. It leaves me vulnerable It leaves me with none of the confidence I used to have so effectively. I am but a tragic skeleton of what I used to be. Striped down completely to reveal my frail form to a harsh world. I’m not ready for this. I’m just me after all
Why
Well after much deliberation the jury is back in and the questions are answered. Me in a nut shell. My roommate just tried insulting me. Wow did that fail miserably. Not on her part as the insult landed with the much desired ‘thud’ she hoped it would. But all that happened was that I gazed at her with a look of disbelief. I’ve been told these things. I know the pattern of my life. I understand who I am. That is not the question. Do I look as though some light has gone on above my head? Do I make efforts to change these patterns into a stronger and more cohesive structure? Well. Let’s not jump the gun.
I deal with serious anxiety. I hide that from no one. I may even be “bipolar” and again; I hide this from no one. I hide very little from a world that wants to know very little about me. I harbor no remorse for this. I don’t desire to spread my secrets about but I (real name hidden) possess a couple of very crucial flaws. I’m attracted to the wrong people and in more specificity the wrong women.
I’m attracted to strong and independent women. Every women I’ve ever dated has carried these traits. But it goes more specific than that. I’m attracted to smart women with preferably a college degree. You want to know the dirty little secret? I find them intimidating as hell. I really do. But honestly I can’t get enough of them. I just want to be in the same room and breathe in the intoxicating scent of college diplomas and intellect. I -spell checking as I go- have very little to none of this that I desire from the opposite sex. It drives me mad.
That’s why this conversation with my roommate makes me laugh. From deep down in my gut. Not some smothered snicker or chuckle but the kind of crack up that you’d expect from jolly ol’ st. nick himself. It makes me laugh because I know these things. “Gosh (my name) you’re just so damned self absorbed”. “Why yes I am (figment of my imagination). “Thank you for enlightening me”. Honestly (roommates name), and with no a shred of disrespect or negativity I thought you might tell me something I didn’t know. When first you said “I don’t want to sound insulting (or something the effect)”, when after I convinced you to tell me and the words were spoken, and once you reminded me that it was in fact an insult. I waited for the insult. A degradation of my character and highlight of a new found flaw I thought was surely on it’s way. But alas I’ve been disappointed. You gave it your best go and I respect you for it. I’ve been called every name under the sun. I’ve been ripped apart by so many and especially myself. I am my own most judging critic.
What I want an answer to, is how can I progress in this world? How can I achieve not what I dream or desire but require? I know where I want to go and I know so many of my flaws down to a T. Where the stumbling block is is how to get past them. Hopefully the counseling and assumed drug regimen will help. Maybe the one thing keeping me sane is the one thing holding me back. Holy shit I just scared the living crap out of myself just by writing that. Goodnight everybody
as always let me know what you think. feedback helps even if only 1 other person reads it and gets back to me.
